Bad Luck
by Charlesworthy III
Summary: Soren has a terribly bad day.  STRONGLY IMPLIED IkexElincia, rated T for sexual references and light swearing.  Crackfic/Not to be taken seriously oneshot.


It was a normal day for the Griel Mercenaries. The day before they had eliminated a small bandit problem in a neighboring town, the bandits had assumed they'd get off Scott-free since Daein had invaded Crimea.

They had been wrong, and were defeated easily. However, they had gotten away by killing two of the mercenary group's number. That,Soren supposed, was how this mess all began.

It was morning, the kind of morning that most suethors describe in great detail and start every story with. This is not a Sue-story though and I will not be describing it in detail.

Soren was walking through the hallway slowly, black robes trailing behind him as if some nonexistent wind were blowing it. He was about to pop into his room when Titania came out of no where.

"Soren," she whined in an OOC fashion, "two people died last battle and for some reason Ike either doesn't care or doesn't know. Go tell him so he'll have something to angst about."

Soren glared at her coldly, but he always did that.

"Thank you Soren bye," Titania said before disappearing along with the plot.

Soren sighed to stay in character and made his way to Ike's room. He got there shortly because describing his uneventful walk there is boring and knocked on the door to Ike's room.

There wasn't a response at first so he knocked again and called out.

"Ike? You there?"

Still no response. Soren was starting to get pissy. If he didn't angst in the next five minutes, he would go out of character and actually might get a girlfriend that wasn't Ike or a Mary Sue.

"Ike," Soren called again, his voice emotionless as ever, "if you don't answer I'm coming in."

Soren knocked on the door harder before knocking it down with a huge wind spell he had thought up that morning. He noticed Ike's back almost immediately. Instead of wearing a cape and a tunic-dress thingy like Ike always had, he was wearing a pink t-shirt. In front of him sat a huge mirror, pasted with a badly drawn illustration of Princess Elincia. That wasn't the only thing strange though.

The whole room was full of pictures of Princess Elincia. Some of them were badly drawn, some excellently sketched, and some were of Ike and Elincia together (those were usually badly drawn). Hearts were drawn over every single one of the faces. There were white sheets of paper on the floor, as if they had been used to cover them up previously.

"Ike?" Soren called once more, more than a little disturbed by what he had seen.

Ike turned around. Something wet dripped off his hand. "Soren! What the hell are you doing in my room?"

"I just meant to tell you-"

"Get out! Get out! GET OUT!" Ike screamed at him, pitch rising with each syllable until he sounded just like a teenage girl. 

"Okay okay jeez!" Soren responded, putting his hands up in defense and backing up. He couldn't shut the door so he just walked away.

Ike turned back to the picture of Elincia and stuck his hand back in his mouth (that's why it was wet, sickos!), drooling over her beauty.

Soren felt awful. The love of his life had been ripped away by a Princess that he wasn't even sure was an actual Princess. _He_ was supposed to be Ike's princess! Not an _actual_ princess! He sighed for the fifth time and started walking to his room to cool down and write badly written, spicy and hot romance stories of him and Ike in his diary.

He stopped out side of the door. Sounds were coming from the inside. Sounds that sounded like two people. Sounds that sounded a lot like two people having a lot of fun. He reached for the doorknob slowly, dramatically, forever longing and building up to the suspense when he would actually open the door. He grasped the bronze, shining knob in his left hand. It turned slowly and made an audible click. The sounds stopped. He slowly pushed the door open and...

"Rolf! Mist!" he shouted. The two youngest of the Greil's Mercenaries were lying on his bed. Mist was on the bottom and blushing as if a tomato hit her in the face. Rolf was on top, his face covered in light pink lipstick. Lucky for Soren, they still had their clothes on.

"S-Soren!" they both said, as their faces took on a darker shade of pink.

Soren put a hand on his forehead and sighed, his eyes were open wide. _What has been seen cannot be unseen_, he thought.

"When I told you to get a room," Soren started, "I didn't mean MINE!"

Rolf and Mist stayed silent.

Soren glared at them and sighed, this time more melodramatically than the last twenty times. He was improving on his dramatic-ism.

Rolf and Mist just stared at him.

Soren glared again. Soren sighed again. Soren slammed the door shut and walked away as if nothing had happened, before sighing.

He could _really_ use some fresh air to clear his head right now. He made his way to the courtyard of their mercenary HQ and sat down under a nice large tree. An apple fell right next to him. He started at it for at least twenty minutes, going over in his head whether to eat the tempting red fruit or not. Just when he had decided to, Gatrie snatched it out of his hands and ran over to a bored-looking Shinon.

"Shinon! Shinon!" Gatrie said, sounding much like how a dog might if it could talk.

"What now?" Shinon replied, glaring at Soren from twenty feet away. Soren returned the glare.

"I bet you fifty gold that you can't shoot this apple off my head with an arrow from five feet away."

Shinon smirked. Soren continued to glare at Shinon. And Gatrie wagged his imaginary tail.

"Sure no problem, just be sure that I'll win," Shinon said with a wide grin. The two friends shook hands before Shinon glared at Soren again.

Gatrie ran off to what he assumed was five feet away and positioned the apple on his head. Shinon readied a bow and arrow. He lifted the bow and pulled the arrow back and...

_TWANG_

"OH GODDESS OH GODDESS SHINON SHINON!" Gatrie shouted. Shinon had hit him in the eye. "SHINON SHINON," he whined. "HELP HELP HELP HEEEEEEELLLP!"

Shinon sighed, and glared at the spot under the tree that Soren had just fled from, before walking over to remove the arrow from Gatrie's eye. "Shit Gatrie why can't you do anything right!"

"I'm sorry Shinon-kun, I promise I'll do a better job next time..." Gatrie responded, a little unsure about how it was his fault.

Soren had dashed like something that dashes frantically away from something else away from Shinon and Gatrie, into the Fort's main entrance and panted as he leaned back against the wall. The only blood Soren could handle was that from his own wrists. Why else would he be a mage?

He started again for his room, thinking that maybe Mist and Rolf had decided to leave and go into some one else's room... Like Rhys's or something. On the way, he passed a conveniently placed window and looked out. The sun was going down and a full moon was rising in its place. Nothing more calming than a full moon.

Soren relaxed. Nothing could happen any more. Nighttime was when people went to sleep and for the Griel Mercenaries—who had to get up early every morning—the time the sun went down was bedtime. They basically just fell asleep automatically when the sun went down. Except for Soren, nighttime was his angsttime.

However, all was not peaceful. A howl ripped through the air. Not a regular howl from a distant wolf that was normally heard at nighttime. This was a howl that came from the hallway directly behind Soren.

He turned around slowly, dramatically, suspensefully, to see what sort of thing this howl could belong to.

It was a werewolf.

Soren sighed. Then he sighed again. Then he glared at the werewolf while sighing.

"Rhys!" he shouted at the beast. "I thought we had this situation handled MONTHS ago!"


End file.
